


I Hate Myself For Loving You

by maniclust



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Dry Humping, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, First Kiss, Giving thanks, Hotel Sex, Incest, M/M, Male Slash, Masturbation, One Shot, POV First Person, Sibling Incest, Slash, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2013-11-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 19:41:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15517182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maniclust/pseuds/maniclust





	I Hate Myself For Loving You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tondada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tondada/gifts).



[”I hate myself for loving you. Can’t break free from the things that you do. I wanna walk, but I run back to you. That’s why I hate myself for loving you.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpNw7jYkbVc)

 

The change didn’t happen overnight, but it might as well have for the way it caught me off guard. The way he caught me off guard. It was as though one day Zac was obnoxiously burping the alphabet in my ear and the next he was stirring feelings deep in my stomach that I couldn’t ignore. Most nights, I found myself studying him to try and figure out just what it was that had been the catalyst of this new obsession. His jawline? The perfect slope of his nose? The way his lips formed a perfect pout when he was concentrating? His lips in general? Those _arms_? The way his shirt stretched perfectly against the muscles of his back when he bent over? And that ass. God, that ass. I really couldn’t be sure what it was or if it was even any one thing over another.

One thing was clear - since the tour had begun, I hadn’t been able to fall asleep at all without wrapping my fingers around my aching cock and biting down into a pillow as I cried out Zac’s name, images of his body flashing through my head like my own personal porn stash. On nights like tonight, that proved to be particularly problematic as we were sharing a hotel room. Zac always chose to sleep in the bed that was farthest from the door because in his mind that meant that if someone broke in to kill us, they would settle for me and he could escape. I had been offended the first time he’d spilled his logic, but now I just found his paranoia endearing. What was he doing to me? Anyway, in this particular room, the television was centered directly in front of my bed which meant that Zac was firmly planted on it in spite of still insisting on having the other bed as his own. I’d given up fighting him after several attempts to shove him off and regain my own personal space. 

Personal space. Now that was something my brother knew nothing about. My body was exhausted, but I found myself curled up on my side pretending to read a book but really just watching Zac play his video game du jour for this tour. I was twisted into an awkward position to hide my growing erection from him while still being able to stare at his profile in the soft light of the television. He was leaning back against my legs with his forearm resting against my thigh as though I was his personal armrest. I can’t say that I was complaining, though. It was just slightly uncomfortable because every time he shifted he came dangerously close to discovering my arousal. 

“Are you going to sit on me all night?” I asked, feigning annoyance and yawning. The truth was that I needed him to go to sleep so that I could take care of the ache that his presence wasn’t helping at all. It was risky to even attempt jerking off with him asleep in the other bed but I had to do something. It wouldn't be the first time. 

Zac paused the game and leaned over me to grab his Dr. Pepper, taking an obnoxious drink of it and smacking his lips. “I might. You’re pretty comfortable. And a good luck charm. I’m doing really well,” he shrugged.

My fingers were curled around the book I was holding, digging into the pages to stop from brushing the hair that had fallen into his eyes away. “I’m getting tired, Zac,” I lied.

“So, go to sleep. It’s not going to bother me.”

“But you’re _lying_ on me,” I countered. He could be really dense sometimes, I swear. 

Thinking that I wasn’t comfortable the way I was, he shoved me with his elbow so that I was laying flat on my back. “Go ahead and get comfortable,” he offered. “I can wait. It’s not going to bother me if you strip down.”

It was obvious that he intended to keep playing through the night whether I wanted to sleep or not. In Zac logic, as long as I was comfortable, him being there on the bed wasn’t going to disturb me or stop me from sleeping. There were several key arguments on the tip of my tongue to convince him to at least move to the floor, but they were lost when he raised his arm to run his fingers through his hair. The change in his position caused his profile to be backlit by the television and I couldn’t help the strangled sigh that fell from my lips. I wanted to run my finger down the slope of his nose, nudge my nose against his cheek, and capture his full lips between my own. To feel his hair tickling me as we kissed and he allowed me to taste him, to know what it was like. 

“God, I just want to lick your face.”

“Excuse me?” he turned, a smirk on his lips and amusement in his chocolate brown eyes that were now suddenly locked on me.

Shit. Fuck. DAMNIT. I had said it out loud. I’d said it and he heard me. Quickly, I shook my head. “Nothing,” I mumbled. Tugging my shirt over my head I tossed it to the floor and rolled away from him so that I could wiggle out of my jeans, not wanting him to _see_ me in addition to what he had heard. Maybe he’d heard me wrong. 

“Did you just say that you want to lick my face?” Nope. He had heard me right. Mayday, mayday. My ship was sinking and I suddenly felt like I was drowning. I could see the headlines tomorrow morning. _Taylor Hanson flung himself off a hotel balcony last night. Authorities still investigating, but his brother, Zachary, stated his last words were “I want to lick your face.”_

“Goodnight, Zac,” I mumbled, quickly climbing beneath the blankets of the bed and pulling them up over my head. Maybe I would suffocate. Anything to make him forget. Or leave me alone. Or actually let me lick him. GOD NO. Stop it, Taylor, you’re making it worse. I groaned at myself and then tensed when I heard him drop the video game controller onto the floor.

His weight settled on top of me as he yanked the blankets down to expose my face. “That’s a new one. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before,” he said, clearly aiming to torment me. “Just a lot of offers to suck my dick, let me put it in any hole, and general uncreative requests to fuck. Here, I thought ‘I want to lick your taint’ was going to be the strangest come on I heard all tour. But that, Tay, that was unexpected.”

“You’re an ass,” I hissed at him, trying to pull the blankets back up, but he held them firm.

“What? You want to lick that too?”

I hated him. I hated him so much in that moment. But more so, I hated myself for even getting to the point where I would let something like that slip. Deep down, I had known that if Zac ever became privy to my desires that he would do anything possible to torture me for the rest of my life. Turns out, I was right and it was starting now. 

In my shifting to try and get away from him, he grasped my hip through the blankets to hold me down and in doing so, his body brushed against my erection. Great. More ammunition. “Can you just please leave me alone?” I asked desperately, staring into his eyes and begging him not to bring it up. 

He studied me for a moment, that mirth and amusement still reflected in his eyes along with something else I couldn’t place. “You want me to leave you alone so you can jerk off? My being in the room hasn’t stopped you before,” he revealed. I was now calculating the distance to the balcony and trying to see if I really could throw myself off it before he caught me. “Go ahead, do it. I don’t mind.”

My eyes snapped to his again and I scowled at him. The amusement was no longer there in his expression. Instead, there was a look of almost… lust. No, it couldn’t be. This was a trick. He just wanted me to admit that I wanted him so that he could use it against me. 

“Fuck off,” I growled, pushing at his face with my hand to get him to go away. But he didn’t. Oh god, he didn’t.

Zac's fingers wrapped around my wrist to hold firm to my hand. "The first time, I thought you might have said my name when you came, but it was easy to convince myself that you said Nat instead."

I was shaking as he placed a soft kiss on my middle finger, isolating it from the rest of my hand and flicking his tongue over it. When he wrapped his lips over it slowly and slid his mouth down like he was sucking a cock, I moaned. "Zac..."

His tongue slid along the entire length of my finger before he released it and grinned. "Yeah, you've definitely been saying my name," he smirked. Pulling the covers down completely, he completely exposed me and I was frozen in place. "I don't know why you ever thought you could hide this... you're huge, Tay. I've been aware of it all night."

My cheeks burned bright red and I gasped when he grasped my length through the thin fabric of my boxer briefs. "Oh god... Zac, fuck, what are you doing?" 

Stretching alongside me, I was very aware of the heat of his body as his hand slipped into my boxers and started to stroke me, causing me to unravel. "Do you know how good you make me feel? Every night we get on stage and you capture the attention of everyone in that room, but your eyes are on me. It is me you think of when you come. You could have anyone and you want me..."

I grasped for his shirt to hold tight to him and I nodded. "Yes, I want you... please don't stop," I moaned. There was no hiding it anymore... not when his hand was wrapped around me and my hips were bucking up to meet his strokes. I forced my eyes to look at him and sighed. "You're so beautiful, Zac."

His hand slid from me then and panic lodged itself in my throat, thinking he had changed his mind now that he got the admission he wanted. Instead, I was treated to the beautiful sight of him removing his shirt and jeans, his gorgeous body coming into full view. The tightness of his boxers did nothing to conceal that I wasn't the only one turned on. Zac wanted this too. I stared at him in awe as he slid back down beside me, his hand immediately moving back to my erection. A smile graced his lips and he leaned in closer to me. "Now is your chance, Tay."

Almost imperceptibly, he tilted his head back and exposed more of his neck to my hungry eyes. Without any grace at all, I lunged for him and attached my mouth to his skin. He didn't make a sound but his hand tightened around me enough to let me know that he felt it. Taking my time, I slowly slid my tongue up his skin to his jawline where I left several little bites. My nose brushed against his, my breath hot against his skin as I took in the sight of him from close range. Digging my fingers into the smooth skin of his back, I splayed my legs to draw him between them. I needed to feel him against me.

The moment his erection slid against mine, I could have passed out. It didn’t matter that we both still had our underwear on, it was jarring. Feeling his length as he rolled his hips against mine was more intense than any time I had slid inside of my wife. I hated him for already feeling better than she did. For feeling so good. I hated that now that I knew just how good he felt, I would never want to stop. There was absolutely no escape. No denial. I hated just how much I loved him. 

“Please,” I whispered, not sure what I was asking for, but Zac seemed to draw his own conclusions. He didn’t need more than just that one simple word. I was putty beneath him and the delight in his eyes said that he knew it. 

“Mmm… fuck, okay,” he responded. There was no time to ask him what he was planning because he slid his hand up my arm, fingers gripping mine as he pinned me to the bed. Without hesitation, he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, kissing me for the first time. It was heated, desperate, and full of a pent up emotion that we had both been holding back. I wondered how long he knew, how long he had wanted this also, but now wasn’t the time to ask. Now was the time to enjoy. Memorize. 

As our tongues tangled together, his mouth tasting of Dr. Pepper and toothpaste, he didn’t let up the rhythm of his hips against mine. My little brother was dry fucking me in the middle of our hotel room as his video game played the same loop of music over and over again in the background and I loved it. I fucking loved every second of it. I wanted more. I wanted to taste him. To run my tongue over every inch of his body and take him deep into my throat, but I was helpless to move. The ministrations of his mouth left me intoxicated, pliant, and at his mercy. When he stopped kissing me, though, all of my desires spilled out.

“I want to touch you, Zac, please,” I gasped, sucking in a breath as his hips started to move against mine harder. The friction was bringing about an underlying pain with the pleasure and that only served to intensify the feeling. 

His mouth was attached to my neck, sucking at my pulse point and making me arch up against him. “No,” he said, voice rumbling against my skin. “We have all tour for that. I’m not in any hurry. Just relax.”

Relax. He was telling me to fucking relax. My wet dream fantasy was on top of me and wanted _me_ to relax. “You’re such an asshole,” I groaned, lifting my hips to meet his as he moved in all of the right ways.

“You wouldn’t want me any other way,” he murmured against my lips and kissed me again deeply. 

Leave it to Zac to bring out a different side of me. I suddenly felt like an inexperienced guy on a first date, dry humping because we both wanted it, but were too scared to go any further. He was making me tremble like a virgin and my fingers were clutching onto his so tightly, I was surely leaving indentations with my nails. As I grew closer to my release, I started to whimper his name and he rewarded me with moans of my own name right back against my skin. 

He came first with a violent thrust of his hips, biting down on his lower lip before releasing it and crying out. My own orgasm followed shortly after I felt his come soaking through the fabric of his boxers and into mine. Feeling the evidence of being able to make him feel so good sent me over the edge and I screamed out his name, a little too loudly, but I’d been waiting so long for this moment that holding back wasn’t an option. 

“Fuck, Tay…” he panted, releasing my hands and collapsing on top of me. His hair tickled my chest and I took advantage of having some control again to run my fingers through it as I caught my breath.

“That was…” I started, unable to finish the thought. My overactive brain started to wonder if this had been a one time thing. If he had been able to make me come like this just with friction, what the hell was it going to be like if he actually touched me? 

I kissed him again when his mouth found mine and when I opened my eyes again, that smirk was playing over his lips once more. “My name sounds so much better when it’s not muffled against a pillow… though, tomorrow night, I plan to find out how it sounds when you have your pretty mouth wrapped around my cock.”

Fuck. 

My eyes followed him as he got out of the bed and dug through both my suitcase and his own in the darkness. A short trip to the bathroom and he came back in clean boxers for himself, tossing a clean pair to me as well as a wash cloth so that I could clean myself up while he finished off his can of Dr. Pepper. I threw the washcloth and dirty boxers to the floor to deal with in the morning. Zac waited for me to cover myself up and once I did, he plopped back onto the end of the bed, leaning against my thigh and unpausing his game like nothing had happened. 

“Goodnight, Tay. Sweet dreams.”


End file.
